Faux Elvish for Dummies
by your.daily.dose.of.fanfic
Summary: Do you find normal Elvish confusing? Are you constantly being left out of conversations by your hardcore-Tolkienite friends? Are you flunking your second-language GCSE exams and are in need of another language ASAP? Then this handy guide is for you!
1. An Introduction to the Language

_A/N:_

_I've recently fallen into a great deal of spare time, and seeing as I haven't published any FanFiction in a while, I decided to write this. It's just some light reading, and as per usual, it's not serious at all! __Please don't take this too seriously. If you do, there's a back button on the top left corner where you could always click._

_Oh, and I mean no disrespect to Tolkien or his work either. The guy's truly awesome._

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><p><strong>FAUX-ELVISH FOR DUMMIES: An Introduction to the Language<strong>

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><p>When people normally read Tolkien's work, they stumble upon the occasional Elvish word or verse that some guy, named something along the lines of <em>Qwertyuiopasdfghjkl<em>, says. As we stumble upon these mystifying words, most of us would eloquently think _"What the hell is this weird-arse crap?", _skip a few lines, and keep on reading_ . _Other, more curious individuals, may be intrigued and even want to learn the language. But alas, when these curious individuals decide to Google various websites on how to speak and understand Elvish, they are bombarded with half-arsed explanations, and a confusing overload of information.

Never fear! I, and a team of myself, have personally dumbed down the _entire_ Elvish language so it is easier to learn. While you may not be able to understand Tolkien any better, you will still be able to use it to impress your friends, stun those Tolkienites, write crappy FanFiction, and even pass your second-language GCSE!

Behold, _Faux-Elvish_!: a language so filled with intricate flairs that when spoken, will sound so classy and brilliant that the speaker will instantly come off as a complete tool! Contradictory to popular belief, being a complete tool is something that society should revere, and what better way for society to revere you for than being able to speak fluent Faux-Elvish?

Faux-Elvish is similar to traditional real Elvish, but differs in the sense that Faux-Elvish is not real. In fact, the Faux-Elvish is so un-real that the language differs from person to person, making each variation utterly unique and anti-mainstream (any hipsters out there may want to pay special attention to this from now on).

Unfortunately, speakers of this language cannot take this language as liberally as they want without compromising believability. Like traditional Elvish, there are set forms of the language which people must follow and take heed of, such as dialects. In traditional Elvish, the dialects are Silvan, Sindarblock and Quenya, and if I've learnt anything from my geography class, Quenya is a country in Africa (or was that Kenya? I can't remember). The dialects of Faux-Elvish include, but are not limited to: _English Faux-Elvish_, _Keyboard-Smash Faux-Elvish_, _Close-Your-Eyes-And-Point-At-The-Index Faux-Elvish_, and _Just-Make-Shit-Up Faux-Elvish_.

With help from this magnificent guide, you, dear reader, will actually learn every single one of the Faux-Elvish dialects listed by the time you have finished reading this guide: half-an-hour tops, depending on how quickly you read.

What's that I hear?

_"Impossible!"_, you say, _"This is not a language that you can learn in half-an-hour!"_

Challenge accepted. That being said, let's begin.

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><p><em>AN:_

_For best results, please leave a review of this guide and favourite it. For every review and favourite, you will help to further fund the research of this incredible language and in the process, and all your life's problems will suddenly and miraculously disappear...guaranteed*!_

_*This is not guaranteed at all._


	2. English Faux Elvish

**ENGLISH FAUX-ELVISH**

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><p>The simplest and most convenient of all the Faux-Elvish dialects, <em>English Faux-Elvish<em> is a good starting point for beginners learning this language. _English Faux-Elvish_ is in fact, a mix of English and random bits of Elvish. And by random, I mean _random_. Seriously, just pick out any Elvish word out of _The Lord of the Rings_ and smack it in your sentence. There you have it! _English Faux-Elvish_. It is perfect for ad lib. presentations at school and bullshitting your way through Middle Earth, should you magically appear in it.

Still confused on how to construct proper _English Faux-Elvish sentences_? Never fear, here is a simple step-by-step on how to do it convincingly.

**Step 1)** Write your desired sentence out in English:

eg. _Watch this here sentence._

**Step 2)** Next, pick out, off the top of your head, random Elvish words that you may have picked up from reading or watching _The Lord of the Rings_. Insert them randomly in your sentence. Studies show that the words _mellon_, _galadriel_, _ada_, _imladris_, _estel_, and the suffixes _-wyn_ and _-thiel_ work best.

eg. _Watchwyn this imladris mellon herethiel sentence estel ada galadriel._

**Step 3) **To go the extra mile, add in the occasional _O_ or _aie_ in your sentence. This will make it all the more convincing.

eg. _O_ w_atchwyn this imladris mellon herethiel aie sentence estel ada galadriel._

**Step 4) **This final step is to try pronouncing your sentence. It doesn't really matter how you pronounce it. Just try to make it really breathy and drawn out, and put on a French accent.

Once you've completed all the steps, congratulations! You've mastered the Faux-Elvish dialect of English Faux-Elvish!

_Goodeth Luckwyn!_


	3. Keyboard Smash Faux Elvish

_A/N:_

_Here is a very special thank you to everyone who took the time to review! Your reviews are greatly appreciated!_

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><p><strong>KEYBOARD SMASH FAUX-ELVISH<strong>

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><p>While not as convincing as <em>English Faux-Elvish<em>, _Keyboard-Smash Faux-Elvish_ is specially catered to users of the computer who wish to communicate with their peers in different language online. Users of online social networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace (which no one actually uses anymore) will benefit greatly from this, as they can finally bitch about someone in full view of everyone without having to worry about anyone being able to understand, let alone retaliate. There are only three simple steps to writing and speaking _Keyboard-Smash Faux-Elvish_:

**Step 1) **Think of what you have to say and promptly smash your fist on your keyboard. Try to aim your fist in the area where the letters are located. Tildes and semicolons in the middle of words don't convince anyone.

eg. u_dxhjcfhjdxjk xdwyncxnj xcxxcbjxcbh jghuwi_

**Step 2) **Capitalize the first letter of the "sentence", put spaces where you want, add a full stop at the end, and as usual, throw in some Elvish or Elvish-sounding..._things_ in your sentence.

eg. _Udxhjcf mellon hjdxjkxdwyn cxnj o nana xcxxcbjxcbh aie jghuwithiel._

**Step 3) **If you are planning to speak this in real life, try to say your sentence. Seeing as this dialect was invented specifically for computer users in mind and speaking this is almost impossible, try to just make some Elvish-y movements to completely deceive your conversation partner. Walking absurdly slow, shooting arrows at targets, and making weird hand movements for example, Galadriel's little _"may the force be with you"_ hand movement in the _Fellowship of the Ring_ movie, will help to distract your conversation partner from your horribly pronounced, _Keyboard-Smash Faux-Elvish_ words.

If you accidentally break your keyboard whilst using this dialect of Faux-Elvish, it doesn't matter. Once you pass your GCSE second-language exam with flying colours, universities and future employers will throw scholarships and high-paychecks at your feet, and you will earn enough money to buy a brand new keyboard! Trust me, it's all worth it in the end.


	4. Point At The Index Faux Elvish

_A/N:_

_Thank you for all the reviews and favourites! __Oh, and if YOU consider yourself a hard-core Tolkienite, then don't take this too seriously. If you do, then that's just plain stupid, isn't it?_

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><p><strong>CLOSE-YOUR-EYES-AND-POINT-AT-THE-INDEX FAUX-ELVISH<strong>

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><p>Have you ever unwittingly entered a full-on <em>Lord of the Rings<em> conversation with a hardcore-Tolkienite? If so, chances are that they have tried speaking some Elvish mumbo-jumbo in an attempt to confuse you, and make themselves seem superior. Well, confuse them back with this dialect of Faux-Elvish! _Close-Your-Eyes-And-Point-At-The-Index Faux-Elvish_ is especially formulated for this kind of situation. As the name suggests, all you have to do to speak or write this dialect, is close your eyes and point at the index. As hardcore-Tolkienites tend to carry copies of _The Lord of the Rings_ on them, you can ask to borrow their copy of the book to use for this. If asked why you are borrowing the book, just say that you wish to find and share some interesting information about an obscure Tolkien character named _Qwertyuiopasdfghjkl_.

Once they agree to lend you the book, you're ready to begin sending the elitist weirdo crawling back to their Hobbit-hole (which elves don't even live in). Just follow these simple steps!

**Step 1) **Open the book at the index. Say you are looking for the information, just as to not arouse suspicion.

**Step 2) **Close your eyes and point inconspicuously at random places in the index. Remember the words you point at. If asked why you are closing your eyes at random intervals, just say that youhave something in your eye, or are receiving the blessing of the Valar through the book, or something bullshit like that. Anything will do, really.

eg. _Frodo Mordor Orc Gamgee Gimli Shire Gondor_

**Step 3) **Next, as usual, add in the occasional Elvish sounding thing in your list of words. Throw them in randomly for the best effect. If you plan to send a message to someone, just fix up the capital letters, punctuation and _bingo_! You've got your sentence.

eg. _Frodowyn mordor mellon orc o gamgee aie gimli shire gondorithiel._

**Step 4) **Say your new sentence out loud. Watch your conversation partner's face as you blurt out crap that doesn't make any sense, but still sounds damn impressive. If your conversation partner is somehow fluent in Elvish and says _"What? That doesn't even make sense!"_, just tell them that they are grievously uneducated in the way of the Good Professor, and are not worthy enough to be in your presence.

If you complete each of the four steps properly, then you should immediately have Tolkienites throwing themselves at your feet...or trying to kill you out of jealousy. Either way, they'll be impressed and you, well, you will have gotten credit for doing absolutely nothing!

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><p><em>AN:_

_Just a note: I have nothing against Tolkienites or even hardcore ones, for that matter. This is just for fun, really. By the way, e__very review you leave makes my email account happy. Really, it doesn't mind. It just goes "OMNOMNOM EMAILS"_


	5. Just Make Shit Up Faux Elvish

_A/N:_

_I have finally decided to finish this thing. FINALLY._

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><p><strong>JUST-MAKE-SHIT-UP FAUX-ELVISH<strong>

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><p>The fourth form of Faux-Elvish, <em>Just-Make-Shit-Up<em> _Faux-Elvish _is the least commonly used since it is the least likely to sound like any language even slightly real. Therefore, you should only use this as a last resort. However, if you don't know English (which is highly unlikely if you are actually reading this), have never watched/read _The Lord of the Rings_, and have no keyboard or Tolkien book on your person, then this is the dialect for you!

Fortunately, _Just-Make-Shit-Up _is undoubtedly the easiest dialect of Faux-Elvish since it only has two steps:

**Step 1) **This dialect has gotten its name for a reason. You literally just make shit up. Try to think of words that sound French since that is the language that sounds closest to any language remotely invented by Tolkien but if you can't, anything will do, really.

eg. _b__onjour expelliamus expecto patronum yo mamma est stupide hocus pocus abracadabra open sesame_

**Step 2) **If you only need to speak then you only need to do Step 1. Well done. However, if you need to write something down, then you will need to do this step. All you have to do is take your sentence from Step 1 and add random capital letters punctuation.

eg. B_onjour expelliamus expecto patronum, yo mamma est stupide. Hocus pocus, abracadabra open sesame._

If you complete these one or two steps properly, you have just mastered _Just-Make-Shit-Up Faux-Elvish_! Of course, if you have also mastered the three other dialects then congratulations are in order for you have just mastered the ENTIRE _Faux-Elvish _language. You can now go out into the world and proudly exclaim that you are fluent in one more language! Huzzah!

(Did that take you less than half an hour? I bet it did. We had a bet, and you now owe me money.)

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><p><em>AN:_

_Thank you to everyone who reviewed or is planning to review this. It is greatly appreciated for you have just helped to further fund research into this wonderful language._

_HELP MORE PEOPLE LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE. LEAVE A REVIEW._


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